


Prussia's Immortal

by Adiaphory



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bad Writing, Crack, F/M, M/M, My Immortal - Freeform, OOC, Parody, Prussia writes fanfiction, Short Chapters, WTF, but it's intentional, spamano - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-23 16:43:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6122874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adiaphory/pseuds/Adiaphory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A snowstorm leaves the nations stuck in a hotel after a World Meeting. What better to do in their week trapped together than read Prussia's fanfiction written about himself?</p>
<p>[Based on the infamous "My Immortal"]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sapn

World Meetings held in America were always a poor idea. One: the country was so large that it took weeks to travel from one end to the other. Two: each part of the country had its own climate and weather—nothing was ever consistent! Three: depending on the individual state and time of year it could be a delightful trip to The States or hell on earth. Texas in August had hospitalized Russia from the heatstroke and Michigan in January caused the Mediterranean nations to huddle together to share warmth like penguins.

They were in New York, a more common location, this year: New York, in a swanky hotel that overlooked a nice park, which didn’t matter this month since it was covered in four inches of snow. There was a snowstorm blowing around outside but lucky for the nations the hotel was well ventilated and well heated. Most of the windows in rooms like their rented meeting area weren’t even capable of opening for safety reasons.

The meeting finished up and Germany stepped down, respectfully allowing the home nation to close it up. America flashed his cocky smile, reminding the others of his previous gloating about how fantastic this state was and how wonderful the hotel was.

“And, in conclusion,” he boomed out, “Thanks for choosing America as your destination for serious meetings!”

Germany sighed and removed his reading glasses. “America.”

“Sorry! Anyway guys, be careful those of you heading out to other hotels or the airport. It’s getting bad out there.”

Suddenly everyone could hear the wind beating on the windows and the creaking of nearby trees bashing together. Britain stood by the window, shocked by the amount of snow. All the cars in the parking lot were covered in thick snow and the streets, previously salted and cleared into bike lanes for the most part, no longer held track marks and were a pure sheet of white.

The sky itself was a muted color, once blue but obscured by the white mass floating and blowing around the sky. The corded phone on the table by the door rang and America jogged to it and answered it. He put it back down, turning to the group.

“Uh, guys? I got some bad news.”

Britain gasped. “Oh please, no! Not a repeat of the winter of nineteen-eighty!”

America sheepishly smiled. “Yeeeeah, about that… the hotel manager called. I guess he’s calling every room. We’re sort of snowed in. You can try to leave if you want but it’s frost-bite cold out there.”

Spain gasped.

“And it’s New York and all. So you could probably be stabbed by cold and angry homeless people on your way out.”

France gasped.

“But don’t worry! There’s still a few free rooms so we can all share beds and have a fun sleepover for a few days until the snow melts! Which is estimated for next Wednesday!”

Groans filled the room.

America smiled again and mumbled about this not happening if they had their Global Warming superhero like he suggested years before. He left the room to seek out the hotel manager to snag as many rooms as he could for the personifications.

“Cool, we have WiFi!” Prussia excitedly announced, tablet in hand. “Now we won’t be miserable here at this stupid American hotel!”

Spain and France hopped up and joined their best friend, dragging their chairs to his side of the large table. Romano looked annoyed to be abandoned but instead scowled and joined Canada (who hadn’t spoken all meeting and looked a little lost).

“What’s this?” Spain questioned, pointing to the brightly lit page on Prussia’s tablet. It was brighter than the sun. The room dimmed as countries seated by the windows pulled down the shades and curtains. It was snowy so there was no sun… but it was _snowy_ so there was a constant snow blindness threatening their retinas.

“Only the most awesome thing ever!” Prussia cheered. France was ignoring the tablet, trying not to draw attention to his technophobia. He was uncomfortable enough as it was! First, trapped in a hotel with Britain and all that sexual tension! And now the internet!

The albino tapped at the screen and enlarged the page.

“This is my fanfiction I’ve been working on.”

“Fanfiction?” France asked, turning back to his friend. “Like teenage girls write?”

“NO! Like _awesome_ adult men write!”

Spain had been reading over the words on the screen. He stopped and excitedly cried, “That’s my name! Are you writing about us?”

France cocked an eyebrow. “ _Fan_ fiction?”

“Well, historical fiction. Which I’m a fan of.”

The door to the room smacked into the wall as America hurried back in. “Dudes! I talked to the manager and he’s already given up most of the rooms to homeless people or whatever. He said he’d send a bellhop over to bring us their extra blankets and pillows, though. So no worries!”       

Britain stood, knocking his chair down. “Do you honestly expect me to sleep in _this_ room? With the _frog_?”

“No one is making you sleep with me, _mon cher_.”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT.”

America’s face fell. “I’m sorry but this is the best I can do. Maybe we’ll get lucky and some of the homeless Americans will choose to go brave it out in the negative-thirty degree weather. Would you prefer that?”

Britain awkwardly looked away. “Well, if it’s for your people… I suppose it’s alright…”

“Great! I’ll go around and see if there’s anything else I can wrangle us!” With that the blonde was bouncing back out of the room, cheerful as ever.

Spain giggled, covering his mouth shyly with his tanned hand. “Gilbert, this is hilarious!”

“ _Danke, danke_!”

“What?” France asked. “What did he write?”

Spain scooted his chair back and offered France his seat, which had a better view of the tablet. France cringed at being close to the piece of technology but took the seat, never wanting to be rude to overly-polite Spain. “Read this. He wrote about us and it’s _muy beuno_.”

After some French complaint about the blinding screen, Prussia tapped at the settings and turned it down to dim. France coughed a bit, taken off-guard by the writing.

_“Gilbert, you’re not very good at writing in English, are you?”_

“Why do you ask that?”

“…Never mind, then.”

The night ran on and the sky darkened, though it never returned to the usual black sky of America. The snow left the entire world tinted white. The window, if looked through, only saw a world of grey and barely-recognizable buildings. A bellhop had come by the hour before with a tall cart filled with folded blankets and pillows liable to fall off the stack.

The cart was still in the room, abandoned by the wall, while the blankets and pillows had been divvied out to the nations. Italy was adamant that he could share his rations with Germany and Japan, arguing that Romano could share with ‘Big Brother Spain’ when he objected _(“You will not sleep with that potato-eating bastard as long as I live!”)._

The floor was covered in sheets and blankets and pillows. Some of the people (Greece) had already curled up and took to sleep. Meanwhile everyone else was awake, hoping for some kind of miracle to melt this snow instantly. Maybe a volcano could go off and they could all walk out in shorts and T-shirts. Maybe not.

While everyone was claiming their spots on the floor Prussia was snickering at his own story and its true unadulterated brilliance. He cleared his throat and then stomped his boot when nobody paid attention to him. He sat atop the meeting table, legs crossed, tablet on top.

“Everybody! Pay attention to me!”

More groans filled the room.

“Since the TV isn’t working and the internet is cutting out, I’ll provide you losers with entertainment!”

There was an awkward silence followed by Spain clapping his hands enthusiastically.

“I will be reading a story about all of us that I wrote myself!” He flipped his short hair about and deeply and dramatically sighed. “Alright, Kinder, gather around and Cool Uncle Prussia will read you all the greatest story ever written, originally from The Awesome Prussia’s Diary: Volume two-hundred and forty-seven!”

As Prussia got comfortable and began reading his before-the-story disclaimers and warnings, everyone shut their eyes, hoping to be unconscious before they were tainted with Prussia’s creative writing. Italy curled up between Germany and Japan on their blankets. Germany shuddered for what they were all about to be exposed to.

* * *

** Warnimg: I don’t own the countries but I do own their asses lol. If ur against porn then go away loser virgin nerd bc im getting sum in this fic and you cant stop it. And Austra can go fuck off git away from my story u loser arschloch!!!!1!!1 **

Guten tag my name is Prussia Gilbert Beilschmidt Ivory Fritz the Grate (I get my name from my hair its al white if u couldn’t tel). I’m tall and i like to work out so I’m really muscley and I have great fashion sens. Today Im wearing my black army boots that lace all the way up to my knees and I had on my Prussian bleu (it’s not fuckn midnight blue if you think that Crayola coloring oppression is okay then you can go fuk urself and gtfo of my fic) and my jacket was also me blue and I had on my favorite black tie and best iron cross and my super smexy black leather gloves. They hide my pale hands and everyone is alwaus super jealoius of how pale I am and stupod posers like Austrians always try to get my skin color but they can’t get enough conceler to hide their ugly fuckn moles that aren’t even beauty marks.

sO im was walking to the world meating which was in Prussia this time (my country not me you sickos) and we were gunna get drunk and celebrate me being a country because they finaly kicked that loser Austria out of countryienity.

I got 2 the meeting hall and all my friends were there with beer and porn and Span and Frants were already a little drunk and I laughed and they laughed and thn I drank a lot with them.

“Hey Prussia!” I looked up and it was…. Hungary!

“Hi Hungry” I said shyly and she look shyly at me to. “Wahts up?”

“Nothing” she said.

Then Sapn and France called me over an I left and drank more with them before the meting.


	2. Spaini

_Hey im bak and I have a new capter for you! **Trigger wanring** there is a sex scnee and if you don’t like it you can go fuck off and get off of my story bc ur just a hater like that idiot loser Austra! Austra if ur readin this then go away you stupid violin fucker because I didn’t rite this for u I hate you!!1!_

We were drunk and the meeting was starting. Spaini left to pick up Roman from preschool and when he cam back romona was eating a crayon and shitting himself

* * *

“Wait one fucking second, you bastard!” Romano was seething, sitting up from his and Spain’s blanket pile. “Why am I in preschool and why am I eating fucking children’s drawing utensils and defecating on myself?!”

Spain was flustered, torn between cheering on Prussia’s story and Romano’s enraged behavior. He was holding onto Romano’s waist, knuckles turning white, trying to hold the man down to prevent him attempting to murder his best friend.

“Spain, please control your fuckboy,” France groaned from his own makeshift bed, his pillow held tightly to his ears.

“FUCKBOY?!”

* * *

My little brother drank 2 much again and was letting his stupid slick hair down. Frnace came to me (hahahahaah but not like that ew) and I saw his makeup he was wearing dark black eyeliner nd purple eyeshadow and he wore conceler to make himself paler bc he always was jealous of how pale I am. He’s in a gothic fase and his nails were paintd black and his lips were blood red.

Span was in the boots he borrowed from me and they were black with red lace and he had on ripped skinny jeans and a Slayer shirt because Slayer is his favorite band but my favorite band is Papa Roach.

“Hey Persia was Hungry talking to you??” France asked and I turned red under my perfect makeup.

“Laß mich! Laß mich in Ruhe!”

* * *

“Prussia, honey, that’s a different language,” France called from his pillows.

“Eine Sprache ist niemals genug.”

* * *

I got mad at them becuause theyre being stupid again and when I got outside I ran into my artch nemsis! Asstria!

“I saw u talking to my girl” he said.

“Ur girl was talking to me!” I said.

“She would never because youre albino and albinos are gross.” He said.

“Well ur short.” I said.

Asstria got mad and he tried to fight me but im strong and I won like 20 weightlighting competitions at home an he didn’t know that and I kicked his ass and he was crying on the curb like the bitch he is it was really funny to watch and I chubbed up a bit but not because of him it was becayse I new Hungary would want to bone me so much after I defeated her stalker.

“Oh Prussia!” He said hornily. Then she ran to me and I picked her up in my strong man arms and she kissed me with the passion of a million waterfalls. Everyone clapped and started throwing Thalers at us.            

I looked at Hungary and I said “lets get out of here” and we went back to the meeting room and locked the doors and we made out really hotly. She touched my thingy and I touched her thingy it was the craziest thing. I love the girls who hate to love bc their just like me. Hungary took my hand and ran it up her thigh and she licked my lip and I pulled her hair and I fell in love for a night—

* * *

“Dude, did you just steal that from  _Situations_ ?”

Prussia scowled and looked up from his tablet to the nosy American. “No! It’s the sex scene!”

The blonde scoffed and tried to steal Britain’s blanket from him. “Dude. It’s from a song a band _in my place_ wrote.”

“No, it’s not, you fucking hater!”

* * *

We were screaming and I think I was bleeding and then I came but not until Hungary did like a billion times because Im that good lol. We stoped and then we saw we had a audience of 1 and it was…. Ramona!

“Goo goo” he said with piss in his pants.

“OMG Spang totally sent him in to watch us!” Hungry screamed and I laughed and sai d “no he didn’t Spain is just a negligent parent”

“Your right” she laughed.

We got our panties back on and we carried Romano by the scruff and gave him back to Spain and he purred when he saw Pain and we laughed and he lughed and then Spain gave us money for teaching his son how to sex.

* * *

“LET ME OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR SO HELP ME, SPAIN!”

The countries flinched at the threatening and deep voice of Romano. Halfway through the chapter he had to be removed by force. The only place they could properly restrain him, ironically enough, was in the closet. Romano was not lost on the stupid joke (which America liked to repeat every time he remembered where they locked the angry Italian).

“SPAIN, YOU BETTER LET ME OUT OF THIS CLOSET RIGHT FUCKING NOW.”

“I will soon, tomate, I was just waiting until we got back to your place before I sprang it on you.”

“YOU IDIOT, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL—wait, what?”

France nearly broke his neck with how fast he had sat up. “Spain, did you just say—”

Panicking and trying to save face, Spain squeaked and screamed at the door, “I said you look shitty, goodnight, Romano!” He retreated under his and Romano’s shared bedding and held the blankets tightly around himself like a turtle in retreat.

Quickly Prussia began typing away at his tablet. “This just became canon!”


	3. Span

The snow continued to fall well into the next day, covering any remnants of the world in its wake. The streets no longer had cars, but soft lumps of snow with antennas poking through. Romano was still asleep in the closet, though they unlocked it and left it ajar into the night. Italy had brought him a blanket, knowing he would be cold without the warmth of Spain or himself.

The nations were hungry and not the most pleased when America ventured off for hotel food, returning with generic ill-prepared pancakes and packages of frozen butter and syrup. Canada was extremely offended by the terrible excuse for syrup and France stalked away with a few others to look for the apples and oranges America said were available but didn’t bother to bring.

Prussia had been typing away on his tablet since he got up, taking breaks to steal bites of Canada’s pancakes. The Canadian was just happy to be noticed, so he let it go, allowing the Prussian to take his share. He didn’t want them anyway.

The closet was beginning to stir with swears and Italian grievances about being sore as Prussia was joined by a sleepy Spain. The tired man first sat on Canada, bouncing back up, staring at the seat in confusion, then taking a new one.

“Check this out, Spain! Someone posted a whale on tumblr!”

Spain narrowed his eyes at the bright screen of the iPad then snorted before lightly smacking his friend on the shoulder. “Prussia, that’s a _woman_!”

“What’s the difference?”

The Spanish nation tutted and put his head down, ready to get back to his dream. Romano was stumbling from the closet and found his brother, opting to use his foot to wedge himself between Italy and Germany. The blonde grunted and got up to abandon the one day he planned on sleeping in. Romano grinned in victory and laid down in his place with his half-awake brother.

Prussia was back to messing around on the internet, proudly proclaiming himself a “shitlord” to anyone willing to listen. Soon France had returned with an armful of fruit and everyone finally had a chance to eat… unfortunately, it would be breakfast with a show.

“Listen up, losers!” Prussia screamed to the room. “I will now be reading to you the next part of the awesome story of me!”

Groans filled the room.

* * *

I waz walking in Tilsit at night under the fool moon and I saw a tastey looking humin walking alone to and I was going to call span because Span is a vampire (that’s hwy he looks so good for his age) and Span luves young meat. I followd the weirdo into a dark ally and I got my gun out becuz Im going to kidnap him and tye him to the radiator in my basement until Spin gets here from southern Italy (if u know what I mean, lol, perverts).

But the guy disappeared!!! That could only mean one thing!!! He was…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… a ghost!

A super spooky ghost that West is a afraid of!!!! Its my mission as an awesome older brother to find that ghost and kick its ass back to hell so west doesn’t see it and cry!!

I got my best ghost killing boots on and chased it down!! I was wearing my black combat boots and glow-n-de-dark shoelaces so I don’t get lost and I had on my Prussian uniform so they know not to fuck with me but if they did I would beat them to death like in my glory days which is every day. My hair has silver streask in it and it look really good with my white hair and I had my super secret murder gloves on so I don’t leave fingerprints Im not stupid but if it was ASStria I would let the cops get me because fuck Asstria I want the world to know I murdered his stupid prissy ass.

I was feeling extra confident so I chugged some super awesome beer from the tavern I own because Im a rich entreprenewer too and I own everything ever made. If u see something, its Prussian. Made in China tag? MADE IN PRUSSIA!!! But not like in me, in my country. Sickos!!

I drank a bunch of ultra strong beer and listened to my new favorite band Ninnghizhidda and hit the streets again in search for the evil spooky ghost!!

I chased that creeper down in my Mystery van (trademark © Prussia) until Grandenz and he stopped and I stopped and got out of my Spooky machine ( © Prussia!!! Fuck off!) and he looked scared.

“No, don’t kill me!” he said and I laughed.

“I’m going to anyway!” I said and I went to attack him but then I realized he wasn’t no ordinary ghost that makes West piss himself! It was……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….Old Fritz!!!

“oh my god Old Fritz!!!” I cried and he cried and he said “Yes it is I, Prussia, and I need you to do smething for me!”

“What is it”

He smiled and he said “I need you to……………… declair war on Austrian and take over his land and burn his women and rape his crops!!!”

“Okay” and we laughed and we went back to my mansion and got drunk and watched TV and then Hungary came by and I made sex at her and it was amazing and Old Fritz high-fived me

TO BE CONTINUED!!!1!!...............................

* * *

There was a loud snapping and a pained exhale of breath—across the room Britain and France had been trying to pry open a window, which were all either nailed shut or completely frozen over. France was waving his hand around, moaning about a broken nail, as Britain cursed at his idiot ex-colony for having such weather. Day two of being trapped with Prussia’s story-telling was not doing anyone any good, proven by people like  _France_ and  _Britain_ actually working together on something. France loved Prussia like a brother but he couldn’t stand the constant iPad use.

Russia, on the other hand, was taking this weather like a champ. He even left the hotel a few times to bring back supplies. America was afraid to ask what stores were even open with this kind of weather… he also chose to ignore the lack of receipts, grocery bags, and the obvious pieces of broken glass stuck in the frost on the scarier nation’s gloves.

The Nations were trapped together for another day… they feared mostly for their lunch. Prussia would, no doubt, have another segment of story to force on them.


	4. Spoon

**TrIgGeR wArNiNg: Asstria haahahahah lol becuz hes a cunt lol fuck him**

 

I runned over to stupid fucking asstria’s house and I beat his door off the fuckn hinges. “what is it, you mediocre albino?!?!?!” he screamed. “im here to beat you to death!” I said and then I started punching him in the face and he started crying and it reminded me of a MCR song I wonce heard called Nanananananananana TO EVERY ENEMY because hes my enemry and I hate him!!

“Pls stop! He cried but I didn’t stop because I hate him.

Then I punched him in the dick (lol not that he has one but I wouldn’t no because im not gay you fucking idiots because I did sex to Hungry)

Then his head exploded and glitter rained everywhere because hes super gay but im not gay im Prussia!

Hungary ran out and kissed me on the face and said “omg Prussia that was awesome and your AWESOME!” “I know it” “Lets do sex” “Okay!” and we ran to his gay piano and we did the sex on top of that stupid musical piece of shit. I put my skin flute into her bergina and then we finished and she said I was the best she ever had and obviously that’s true because I AM AWESOME!

And when we were done we went back and found stupid Asstria’s body already descended to hell and all was left was a fucking pile of glitter and shit.

Now that we were a official couple we went to da bar and we met up with sum friends and we talked to them about how great making sex is and we bragged because we know were the best and they felt bad but I told them not to so they weren’t.

“Wow Prussia” Span said “You should teach me how to be an awesome lover like you because Roman really likes it up the ass”

“See I do” Romanica said and he winked at me because he secretly thinks im cute but I cant do that to Spani hes my best friend!

Then Romano grabbed Spoon’s hand and they giggled and they ran off to the bathrooms I guess they really have to pee. Frans complimented my outfit and I thanked him. I was wearing my evening-red contacts becayse my eyes are red but their crimson so they weren’t the right red for tonigt. And I had on my sexy vintage Converse and some skinny jeans West couldn’t wear because hes too fat. Then I had on my favorite MY Chemical Park T-shirt and black arm-warmers with little skulls on them.

Hungry was wearing this hot red dress (it brings out my eyes) that shows off her giant boobs.

“I hear you finally murdered Austria, good for you!” Frants exclaimed. “I hated him, he was a creep and a suspected child molester!”

I laughed becase now hes dead and I hate him. I went to the bathroom to check my sexy winged eyeliner and I looked in the mirror and admired how sexy pale I am. Then I heard… spooky moaning! It was coming from one of the stalls! That bastard Asstria must be back!

I turned around and I found the door and I screamed “FUCK YOU AND YOUR GAY ASS!” and I ultimate punched the door down! But then that gay ghost wasn’t in there… it was Span and Mano!

“Gasp!” they cried. Span and Romano were dicking each other because theyre gay and that’s how gays work! “Oh shit I don’t want to catch the gay!” I screamed and I ran out of the bathroom before I could check my makeup.

I went back to the bar and tried to drown out that moment with my beer… but it tasted rong. It was fruity? And delicious? And it didn’t taste like piss? “what the fuck” and I looked down but it wasn’t an appletini it was just my beer but why did it taste so fabulous???

IT MUST BE THAT ASSTRIA! HE’S HAUNTING ME! HES….. MAKING ME GAY?!?!?!


	5. Spin

That fuckin stupid gay stupid jerk unawesome piece of dead shit was trying to make me gay but ill show him! I’ll outsmart Asstria (as always) and I’ll show him hes not making me gay! Imm going to build an immunity to queerosexuals!!!

I marched back into da bathroom and Spin and Romina were still at it making sex so I stood on a toilet and watched them over the stall and Span was putting his meat churo in Romanos pasta bowl and Romano was moaning at the penis and Span was spraying his alfredo sauce all over the bathroom and I left befor they could catch me because im super sneaky and ninja like.

I saw Francs at the bar getting more of his stupid gay French drinks and I went to him. “Where is Hungary?” “She went home,” he said with an accent. “She was tired.

“Cool, what are you doing tonight?”

“I’m going to do you know what with Onglitare”

I’m good at Frentch and knew he ws talking about the eyebrow guy and I asked “can I watch I need to show off Austia” and he said I coild but to hide because Browland doesn’t like being watched so I decided to hide because I didn’t want to be caught and have him think I was some figit.

We got in his lame French car and went to his house which was actually the Eyefull Tower and I went to his bedroom first and hid in the closet. Then Frents brought Britland in and they started the gay.

“Hon hon hon”

“Shut up yu frog”

Then France stuck his baguette into England’s tea pot and they sexed and I watched and I felt the immunity builing up in my penis. I was getting stronger and that would show that stupid dead piece of shit!!!

Then I went home and Hungary gave me some potatoes and I ate them and went to bed. She wanted to make love but I was tired aand I had a headache from all the alcohols I had so I went to bed while she stayed up and watched sports like football or whatever I don’t know what women like I don’t have a bagina.


End file.
